Taking Orders from Robots

It’s no secret that I’m a fan of Scrivener. I gush about it enough on the Genre Hustle’s episode of writing tools (listen here) and in every day conversation that Scrivener should be paying me. Sure, it has its shortcomings (give PC v3 already!), but it’s always scratched that anal-retentive, organization itch in the back of my skull.

That being said, I never finish a piece in Scrivener. I get it as far as I can and then compile it into a Word document, so I can get the format right. From there, I share it via Google Docs so I can get comments from betas, and then do a final pass through in Word before submitting.

This week, though, I’ve been sitting in front of my laptop with my headphones plugged in, listening to a piece with Word’s text-to-speech tool. Let me tell you, it’s changed my whole outlook on editing.

If I had a dollar every time I was told or had read somewhere to read your work aloud while editing, I could afford to quit my day job and write full time. Despite that, I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I’ve actually done it.

What’s worse, I know it works! Anytime I submit a piece to critique and ask someone else to read the first page (part of our critiquing process), I always end up furiously making notes where things sound off; scratching out camouflaged repetition and replacing proper names with pronouns.

Getting into the ‘whys’ and ‘why nots’ of my editing process is too large a beast to skin at this moment, so, instead, I’ll take this chance to celebrate my adoption of this new habit while giving myself a healthy dose of shit.

Hi, I’m A.P., and I’m a bit of a dummy.

I am a few days away from finishing my current draft of Bearwalker, a novelette/novella (it’s right on the edge between the two) and, like I mentioned, for my final pass through, I have been listening to it in Word. Sure, the robotic voice stumbles here and there, especially when dealing with my invented words, but I gotta be honest, it’s doing way better than I thought it would.

The really great part, is that the editing has been going well. Hearing the words has made it way easier to pick out those awkward phrases or overused words in my own writing. Also, listening to it at that slow pace forces me to really pay attention. I’m a fast reader and I am guilty of reading what I think is there, instead of reading what is actually there. With Word’s TTS, typos, repeated words, and inconsistencies are so much more obvious to me now. It makes me slow down and really concentrate on what’s happening on the page.

So, yes, let me join the massive crowd of people telling you to read your work out loud. Or, better yet, have someone else do it. Too embarrassed to have someone else read it? Get Word’s sultry cyborg to do it for you. I promise you, your writing will be stronger for it.

Don’t be a dummy like me.

Have a great, productive weekend and don’t forget to be kind to one another and to yourselves.

Fighting My Dumb Monkey Brain

This has, without a doubt, been the best week of my writing career (so far).

On Sunday, I received an R&R (revise and resubmit) for my first pro rate paying market. They liked my story, “Seeds,” and wanted to print it, but the ending was too bleak for the tone of their anthology in its current form, so they asked if I could thread some more hope into it.

Yeah. Absolutely. No problem. Just because I’m usually nihilistic and depressing in my writing, doesn’t mean I can’t work with an editor and adjust to fit a slightly different tone.

“Isn’t that sacrificing your art?”

Oh, hi dumb monkey brain. I was wondering where you were. Isn’t all art a collaborative process? What do you say to the editors and publishers along the way? Aren’t I supposed to kill my darlings? This is a business, right?

“Well, yes, but wouldn’t you rather wallow in the anxiety for a moment instead of acting?”

Needless to say, I ignored my dumb monkey brain. I revised the story, re-titled it “Safe Haven,” and resubmitted.

“You aren’t going to hear back from them.”

Go away.

Two days later, Made in LA accepted my short story, “The City,” for Volume III. It’s a great collection of indie authors in LA writing about LA. I caught them at two book events last year during their book tour, including one at The Last Bookstore, my favorite book store in Los Angeles. I think this means I get to do a book tour with them for volume III???

“They only took your story because you know them and some of them were on the podcast.”

Ugh.

Two days after that, my short story “Hemikrania” was accepted by Murder Park After Dark for their Volume III, with one of the greatest acceptance emails I’ve ever seen:

Dear A.P.,

Fuck you. This story scared the shit out of me. I accept it. Shut up and take my money.

I, of course, lost my shit for the third time this week and was barely able to focus on anything else. I was literally dancing around my apartment listening to a funky house song on repeat when…

"They only took your story because you’ve been in previous anthologies.”

Sigh.

My dumb monkey brain is an asshole.

I have the evidence, in my hands, that people want to buy and read my stories, and that under-developed sack of thinking juices and electrical zaps is trying to tear me tf down.

That’s Imposter Syndrome for ya. I haven’t come close to getting it to go away. I could have “Safe Haven” accepted, sell my “Bearwalker” novella, get agented, sell my Carrion Company series, shit, I could write the next great American novel, and my dumb monkey brain will forever fling poop in my direction.

But maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to learn how to dodge out of the way of most of it.

Climate, Not Weather - End of 2019

How can people believe in climate change when it’s snowing?

For the same reason we can be improving as people and still have bad weeks. Or, at least, that’s what I keep being told. So, why is it I believe in the science of climate change but if I have a bad week I feel like a complete failure and that I’m back to square one? Why can I wrap my head around one and not the other?

Yeah, yeah, you aren’t my therapist. Fine.

But that’s what I’m talking about here. Goals, bad weeks, and upward trends.

You guys know me. I’m a big goals guy. I’ve broken it down in previous blog posts and in episode 3.01 of the Genre Hustle (found here). If you don’t know, now you know. Daily, weekly, quarterly, yearly. I’m a psycho. At least I come by it honestly (thanks Dad).

And guess what? T’is the season for goal reckoning. These are the last few days of 2019 and I’ve got a whole year to look back on. So many goals to remember and catalogue, so much hindsight.

I will be up front. I don’t think I accomplished anywhere near 50% of the goals I set out to do in 2019. I failed to complete my rewrite of Rat, I failed to finish the first draft of my untitled sci-fi story… hell, I didn’t even title it.

But that’s life, right? We can plan and plan but things happen, things change, and we aren’t in control of nearly as much as we think we are (and nowhere near as much as we’d like to be). Setting goals for myself is something I will always do and will always push myself to accomplish, control freak that I am, but I am learning to forgive myself a little bit, too.

In fact, I should be pretty happy with how a lot of my 2019 turned out.

I should be celebrating a short story being held at a paying market and the four short stories out in other markets. I should be celebrating the draft of a fifth short story I finished. I should be celebrating the completed first draft of a new novelette. The financial and health victories I never thought I would be able to accomplish so quickly. Recognizing priorities that needed to be re-arranged and actually doing something about it.

Oh yeah, and I read 50 books this year. My goal was 24.

And yet, here I am, at the end of the year, after a couple weeks of being sick, not being able to go to the gym, and unable to write, feeling like an utter failure. I feel like I have nothing to show for my years of writing professionally. There’s no book I can hold up and point to and say, “hey, that’s mine!” And answering that dreaded question, “How’s the book coming?” makes me break out in a cold sweat.

Why do I do that to myself?

Again, A.P., this ain’t therapy.

Thankfully, I have people in my life to talk me down. Friends with worlds of experience (and therapy) whose wisdom they impart for free when I am spiraling. Friends to tell me that though the weather right now is frightful, the climate is actually delightful. You know?

The climate of my life is all upward trending. There may be stormy weather and snow and hail, but guess what? There’s been a record number of sunshiny days, too. I have to be thankful for that. I am thankful for that. And I’m thankful for the people in my life who remind me of that.

So this is me reminding you of that. Look at your overall growth, not the three bad days strung together that laid you low for a bit. Look at everything you’ve done.

Like I should.

Easier said than done, I know. You know me. Sunshine and rainbows ain’t exactly my shtick (thanks brain chemistry), so I’m not resting on my laurels and, despite my best intentions, I am beating myself up a little bit about the last year. Specifically, I am beating myself up about Rat.

That’s a story for another time, though. I’ve certainly gone on about it at length in the past. I have some decisions to make and I’m not going to get to that in the first blog post I’ve written in three months. If you were wondering, I failed my blog quarterly goals, too. You know, in case that wasn’t obvious at all.

Instead, I am going to focus on the coming year, the coming quarter, and what kind of things I can do to keep improving my overall climate. And, maybe, what I can do to weatherproof myself a little.

Life is all about climate. It’s the big picture. Don’t forget that, and I’ll try and do the same.

Have a happy new year, folks. Love each other, be kind, and especially be kind to yourselves.

Quarterly Goals (Q4 2019)

We are in the last stretch of 2019 and there’s so much to do, I’m not going to waste any time. Let’s jump into Q4 2019 and what I have planned.

**Please note the lack of discussion in regards to Q3 and draw the proper inferences.

Rat & NaNoWriMo

Oh, Rat, you large pile of words and edits. How you vex me.

I decided in the middle of August to take an extended break from my first novel, to really give myself some space from it, just in time for its three-year birthday. I found myself too frustrated with the novel and felt daunted by the task of another rewrite. I wasn’t ready to put Rat away as one of those drawer-novels, but I definitely needed some space.

Break time is running out, though! I am planning on returning to it for NaNoWriMo in November. That’s going to be my NaNo project. If you’re doing it, find me on the new site and add me (A. P. Thayer) so we can keep each other accountable. I’ll be running sprints throughout the month with my fellow writers and podcast co-hosts, so be sure to jump in on them. I’ll post them to social media.

Untitled Scifi Story

With Rat on the back burner, I have been working on an untitled scifi noir piece. If you’ve been following along, you’ve heard me talk about it before. Yes, it is still untitled. No I don’t have any ideas for a working title yet. Anyway.

I found myself having a lot of fun while writing it. It’s a whole different style, setting, POV— A complete break away from Rat. I have 80% of a first draft finished for it. I finally submitted the first two scenes for weekly critique and that’s helped me refine what my mental image of the novel is, so I’m doubling down on it.

So, for Q4, I have some things I need to do.

First off, I need to name it. At least give it some kind of working title. Not having one has been massively annoying, way more annoying than it has any right to be, and I must be a sucker for punishment because I haven’t sat down to give it a name. So, that’s the first goal.

The second is, I need to finish the first draft of it by October 31. Since I’ll be switching back to Rat on November 1st, I have a deadline to meet. Good thing I have a four day writing retreat coming up in the middle of the month. I’m just going to buckle down this month and get it finished.

The Genre Hustle

Season three is coming out October 29th!

This season we have several guests and all kinds of smart things to say about writing (or so we think). Be sure to keep an eye out for that. Follow the Genre Hustle on social media for a mid-season announcement and for our weekly episode call outs, where you can join in on the weekly discussion. Our goal is to up audience interaction this season and that starts with you!

On the subject of goals, the season opener tackles that very topic. We’re going to talk about how to set goals, why they’re important, why sometimes there’s too much importance put in them, and how to achieve them. Be sure to give that a listen!

Short Stories

I’ve been working on some short fiction lately. One is a lit-leaning piece of flash fiction and the other is a short story for the Made in LA anthology (find the call for submissions here). Both are just about polished enough to submit, so those are part of my Q4 goals as well. Finish the stories and submit them. I’ll let you know how that goes in later blog posts and on my social media.

Other Goals

You guys know me. I’ve got some other personal goals on my list that I don’t announce. They’re private, but know that they involve health, finances, and broader life goals. Some are less quantifiable than others, but I always err on the side of making goals to give myself that extra drive.

How about you guys? What are your goals for the last three months of 2019? I’d love to hear what you hope to accomplish so we can celebrate at the end of the year when you’ve done so. Reach out to me and let me know, you know I love hearing from you guys.

As always, be kind to each other and to yourselves. Best of luck in Q4 2019!

Doubt

If you’ve been reading my blog regularly, you’ll (hopefully) see that I’ve been moving towards more topic-based posts, as opposed to just ranting into the cyber-void. It means focusing on a single idea and writing around it, hoping to give information others could use, or to provide encouragement.

Today isn’t really like that. I mean, it might get there, eventually. In the end. We’ll see.

But right now? Right now, I’m carrying this bundle of disparate thoughts and am having a hard time filtering the emotional maelstrom I’m carrying around into something intelligible. Something actionable for you, my dear reader.

Here goes…

Anyone paying attention to my social media and blog posts should not be surprised to hear I’m struggling with my novel. My blessed, wretched novel, whose three-year-old birthday is coming up in a month. That steaming pile of anxiety and confusion that I haven’t been able to conquer and can’t walk away from.

I’ve hit milestones on it. The first draft that no one read. The second draft that got beta read. The six rewrites after that. Another round of betas. I’m currently working on the tenth version of this thing.

Ten versions, three years, countless hours…

When the fuck does the doubt stop? When does it come together? When does it ever stop feeling like I’m floundering?

Sure, I can point to all sorts of awesome things that have happened along the way. But none of them are a book that’s ready for querying. That’s what I’ve been working towards, right? Is that road ever going to end?

I’ve had massively supportive friends, writers and non-writers alike, along the way. But you know what else has been there the whole way? That fucking doubt. That piece-of-shit voice needling me in the god damned ear drums.

I’ve written blog posts about setting small goals and achieving them, about imposter syndrome, mental health… I’ve covered all this. I’ve been here. I just want to know when I will not be here any more.

But maybe that’s the whole point of this post. To shine a light on that doubt. To talk about all the work that’s been done and everything else still waiting to be done. To get out the bad so I can continue with the good. Perhaps this was just a cleansing ritual. I do feel a little better…

So, off I go. This month and the next, I’ve re-dedicated myself to Rat. My writer friend and I are going to be in editing hell, working on our novels, for the next two months. Doing write-ins, meetups, and keeping each other honest. And motivated. And commiserating over beer, likely.

Expect more rants in August and September. Send encouragement. Or be brutal taskmasters. I respond to both.

Thanks for reading this. If you’re going through anything like this, let me know. And know you aren’t alone.

Love you all.